WFL 2008

"Know the Fist and the Fist shall set you free."

More Crap Coming Soon!

Really! There will be more crap. Coming soon! Seriously!

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WFL Rules 2008

"Know the Fist and the Fist shall set you free."

Web Site

We will be using MyFantasyLeague.com this year (http://www.myfantasyleague.com/2008/home/75044). AOL switched to FleaFlicker.com and, though free, it sucked giant, reeking knob. So we will be paying $90 and deducting that from the pay-outs.

Teams

Owner(s)	Team Name
Frank Orr/Paul Moore	P-Fist All Stars
Bart Proffitt	Run Fatboy Run
Mark Schiffler	Ebolas
Big John Dickinson	Enema Bandits
Mike McManigal	Irish Crime Syndicate
Chris Raichart	Snackmaster
Scott Stengaard	The Reamers
Jim Henderson	Bendar
Doug Travis/Jae Gates	Benmiova
Chris Black/John Kinlin	CLL
Stan Callas	The Pill Poppers
Roy White	Mighty Mouse

Draft

The draft will be held at the Wynkoop Brewing Company on Wednesday, September 3 at 6:00 PM or soon thereafter. The draft order has been chosen and it is thus:

1	Snackmaster
2	Reamers
3	Ebolas
4	Fists
5	Run Fatboy Run
6	Pill Poppers
7	Bendar
8	Irish Crime Syndicate
9	Enema Bandits
10	Mighty Mouse
11	CLL
12	Benmiova

There will be 15 rounds in the draft. There are no requirements for the make-up of your team. You are free to select 15 kickers if you so desire. However, you must start a specific number of different positions each week (see below.)

Keeper League

As you hopefully have realized by now, we have decided to become a keeper league. You can keep one player who was on your roster at the end of the WFL regular season last year. You will forfeit your 2006 draft pick for the round in which you acquired your keeper last year. If your keeper was acquired in free agency, you lose your 15th round pick this year. Please let me know who you intend to keep by Sunday, September 2^nd. Looking ahead, keep in mind that you cannot keep a player two years in a row, so whomever you keep this year must go back into the draft pool next year. New rule starting this year: players that are on IR at the end of the regular season will NOT be eligible to be keepers for the next season. If you want to keep a player the following year, that player must be on your regular roster and NOT on IR.

Scoring Rules

Here are the scoring rules:

Passing	Rushing/Receiving	Kicking	Defense
1 pt/20 yds	1 pt/10 yds	0-39 yd FG – 3 pts	Fumble recovery – 3 pts
0-9 yd TD pass – 3 pts	0-9 yd TD run/catch – 6 pts	40-49 yd FG – 4 pts	INT – 3 pts
10-39 yd TD pass – 6 pts	10-39 yd TD run/catch – 9 pts	50-59 yd FG – 5 pts	Sack – 1 pt
40+ yd TD pass – 9 pts	40+ yd TD run/catch – 12 pts	Over 60 yd FG – 10 pts	Safety – 5 pts
5 pt bonus at 300 yds	5 pt bonus at 100 yds	XP – 1 pt	Defensive TD – 6 pts
Another 5 pt bonus at 400 yds	Another 5 pt bonus at 200 yds	0-19 yd FG miss – (-3) pts	Shutout – 10 pts
-2 pts per INT	-2 pts per fumble	20-39 yd FG miss – (-2) pts	1-6 points allowed – 7 pts
2-point conversion pass – 2 pts	2-point conversion run/catch – 2 pts	40+ yd FG miss – (-1) pt	7-13 points – 5 pts
		XP miss – (-5) pts	14-20 points – 3 pts
			21-27 points – 1 pts
			28-34 points – (-1) pts
			35-41 points – (-3) pts
			42-48 points – (-5) pts
			49-55 points – (-7) pts
			Over 56 points – (-10) pts
			Less than 99 yards – 10 pts
			100-149 yards – 7 pts
			150-199 yards – 5 pts
			200-249 yards – 3 pts
			250-299 yards – 1 pts
			300-349 yards – (-1) pts
			350-399 yards – (-3) pts
			400-449 yards – (-5) pts
			450-499 yards – (-7) pts
			Over 500 yards – (-10) pts

Rule change for 2008: Individual players WILL be scored for special teams TDs like punt and kickoff returns (6 points per). The new system can score these so we will start doing this again. The new system can also differentiate between blocked XPs and FGs and misses by your feeble kicker. Only misses will count against you. Lastly, I have added negative scoring for when your defense performs particularly putridly.

Divisions

Divisions are as follows:

Loaf Division	Bung Division	Corn Division
Irish Crime Syndicate	Benmiova	P-Fist Allstars
Enema Bandits	Mighty Mouse	CLL
Reamers	Snackmaster	Bendar
Ebolas	Pill Poppers	Run Fatboy Run

Playoffs

There will be three division winners, two wild cards based on record, and one wild card based on points scored. Ties will be broken thusly:

Division:

Two teams: Head-to-head record, division record, total points

Three teams: Division record, total points

Wild Card:

Two teams: Head-to-head record, total points

Three teams: Total points

The teams will be ranked from 1 to 6, and a bracket system will be established with the top ranked teams getting a first round bye. The first week, 3 will play 6 and 4 will play 5. After that, 1 will play the lowest seed remaining, and 2 will play the other team. The winners of these games will meet in the Überbowl. The playoffs will last for three weeks ending with Week Sixteen of the NFL season. This means the WFL regular season will be thirteen weeks long.

Payoffs

We will have $150 x 12 - $90 for league site = $1710. Here’s how the prizes will be awarded:

High score for the week: $20 x 14 weeks = $280

High score for the year (starters only): $100

Division winners: $50 x 3 = $150

First-round playoff victory: $110 x 2 = $220

Second-round playoff victory: $180 x 2 = $360

Überbowl winner: $600

The two teams with the worst regular season records will also play the week of the Überbowl. The loser of this "Toiletbowl" will be dubbed "Most Fisted" for the year and will have to buy a case of beer for the winner of the Überbowl (Überbowl winner’s choice, but this never really happens.)

Line-ups

There are no requirements for the make-up of your team other than you can only have up to 15 active players and up to 5 players on injured reserve. A player may be placed on injured reserve if they are listed as at least "Questionable" on the current injury report. "Probable" will not suffice. If a player has a bye week and was listed as at least "Questionable" on the prior week’s injury report, they may remain on injured reserve until a new injury report comes out that upgrades their status. The injury report generally comes out every Thursday. Obviously this is not an exact science. However, teams will not be allowed to keep a healthy player on injured reserve to free up a roster spot. If you see violations of this policy, please rat each other out immediately. Each team must consist of the following players each week:

1 Quarterback

2 Running Backs

3 Receivers/Tight Ends

1 Kicker

1 Team Defense

Teams are NOT required to start a tight end, but may do so if they have Antonio Gates, Tony Gonzales, Jason Whitten, or are completely insane. We are going to try something a little different this year. If you have a player playing in an early game (Thursday/Saturday) you move that player to your starting roster and that player is locked 5 minutes before his game begins. You may wait on the rest of your roster until 5 minutes before THEIR games begin. All players (whether on or off your starting roster) will be locked 5 minutes before their games begin. Owners are strongly encouraged to make use of the web site as a first option, e-mail second (only if the web site is not working), and the phone (303-885-4781) only as a last resort. Owners are completely and utterly responsible for keeping track of the NFL schedule. If you miss a trade or roster deadline, you have no one but yourself to blame. Or God, if you lean that way.

Free Agents

Each team will have 100 semolians to spend on free agent acquisitions. The system must receive free agent requests according to the following schedule:

Week 1	No free agent pickups.
Week 2	Wednesday 9/10 at 11:59 pm
Week 3	Wednesday 9/17 at 11:59 pm
Week 4	Wednesday 9/24 at 11:59 pm
Week 5	Wednesday 10/1 at 11:59 pm
Week 6	Wednesday 10/8 at 11:59 pm
Week 7	Wednesday 10/15 at 11:59 pmm
Week 8	Wednesday 10/22 at 11:59 pm
Week 9	Wednesday 10/29 at 11:59 pm
Week 10	Wednesday 11/5 at 11:59 pm
Week 11	Wednesday 11/12 at 11:59 pm
Week 12	Wednesday 11/19 at 11:59 pm
Week 13	Wednesday 11/26 at 11:59 pm
Week 14	Wednesday 12/3 at 11:59 pm
Week 15	Wednesday 12/10 at 11:59 pm
Week 16	Wednesday 12/17 at 11:59 pm
	Note: all times Mountain Time

Owners are completely and utterly responsible for keeping track of the NFL schedule. When making requests, teams are asked to use the web site as a first option, e-mail second, and the telephone as a last resort only. Semolians can only be spent in whole dollar increments. If a player receives multiple bids, that player goes to the highest bidder. If during the course of the season a player is dropped, that player is unavailable for acquisition until the following week. Semolians cannot be bought or traded in any manner. They can only be used to acquire free agents. This year free agent activity will continue through the playoffs for playoff teams. The same rules will apply throughout the WFL playoff period.

Trades

All trades must be approved by the commissioner. The trade deadline is 11:59 PM the day before the first game of the week. Owners are completely and utterly responsible for keeping track of the NFL schedule. Only player(s) for player(s) trades are allowed. There will be no trading players for semolians or real money. This is not a contest to see who can squander more of their hard-earned pay on something as frivolous as fantasy football. There is no fee for trades or roster moves. Trades made by the commissioner will be subject to approval by the Council of Elders, comprised of three wise and learned league members selected at the draft. This year trading activity will continue through the playoffs for playoff teams. The same rules will apply throughout the WFL playoff period.

Other Crap

These rules are not exhaustive. Situations will no doubt arise which are not covered here. In all situations, the commissioner will have the final say. This is NOT a democracy. It is a fistocracy.

2007

At least you have several on your person from which to choose.

Two weeks into the 2007 WFL season and the big story is (and the words leave my lips with much tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth): The Snackmaster! The once proud WFL has opened its collective snackhole and been rudely and roughly Mastered in successive weeks. The perennially hapless Snack has outscored his opponents by a combined 170 points in the first two games! Thank God (and again, I can't believe I'm saying this) Juan Not-So-Grande and his turd-burgling band of salad-tossing sodomites managed to outscore Snacky in Week Two or we would never hear the end of it. Actually, we will still never hear the end of it. I am considering turning off the League Message Board (aka Snacky's filth spewing sewer pipe) just so we can get a break for a week. Next week the Snackmaster squares off with Ben Miova with control of the Loaf at stake. Thus far, Snacky has scored more than 50 points a game more than Benmiova, but Randy Moss and Chad Johnson can't score 40 points every week, can they? CAN THEY?!?! The other undefeated teams around the league include the aforementioned Enema Bandits, who beat ICS like a rented, red-headed stepmule in Week 2 after pummeling the Virus in Week 1. Next week they get to pound the Reamers in another titanic mismatch. Bendar is also 2-0, although God knows how after averaging only 107 points per game so far. Next week the Bendy one gets to play the thus-far-not-really-as-mighty-as-they-thought-on-draft-night Fists of Feces, who, though averaging 129 points a game, find themselves in the Corn cellar at 0-2. Week 2's bitter defeat was served up steaming hot courtesy of the team formerly know as Moon Unit, now going by They're All Dicks. I mean, Carson Palmer can't throw for six touchdowns every week, now can he? CAN HE!?!? Finally, in what could be a Toiletbowl preview, the Pill Poppers and Mighty Mouse square off next week so at least one less team will be winless after Week 3. And I think we can all feel good about that. Until next week, Oop Ack!

Best get yourself some....

The reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Although my pathetic fantasy football team is officially "tits up" for 2007, I live on in shamed obscurity. For the first time ever, the Clenched and Reeking Ones are headed for the Toilet Bowl. But enough about me, let's try to stay positive. For six lucky teams, the real fun is just beginning. Those teams are, in order:

1) Bendar
2) Snackmaster
3) Enema Bandits
4) CLL
5) Benmiova
6) Pill Poppers (points)

Snackmaster had a shot at top seed, having the tiebreaker over Bendar, but decided to bend himself over instead and submit to fellow Loaf-er, Benmiova. However, last week's loss doesn't diminish what was a great season for the Snack, probably his strongest fantasizing to date. Bendar finishes in the top spot again, despite having a busy work life, twins, a wife, etc. Someone's obviously made a pact with Satan. Hopefully an eternity of damnation proves worth it, although I hear that Beelzebub and his minions have included endless repeats of Clash of the Choirs with Michael Bolton to their list of approved tortures. (Not making this up: http://www.nbc.com/Clash_of_the_Choirs/.) Despite pounding the Enema Bandits in Week 13, the Irish Crime Syndicate will not take the Bung but will rather take it in the Bung due to a Week 2 drubbing at the hands of the aforementioned Turd-Burgling Bastards and an inferior division record. Big John joins the Snackmaster and CLL in dropping their pants and backing into the playoffs with cheeks spread. CLL's woe, is, of course, more than mitigated by the fact that they won High Score for the Year AND get to keep @*$&#$ Adrian Petersen next @&*%&#$ year. One team that did not back into the playoffs is Stan and the Mighty Poppers of Pills. Stan the Man crushed the Snack to claim the sixth and final playoff spot. Stan earns the right to battle the Bandits. If he wins, he gets to face the mighty Bendar. You never know. I seem to remember a sixth seed team winning the whole enchilada. Can't remember who it was though. The other game this week is CLL vs. Benmiova, in a rematch of their Week 7 contest, in which Benmiova handed the ladies a humiliating defeat. Of course, LT was off that week. Good luck this week to those lucky few. May the marginally less crappy team be imperceptibly less violently fisted!

Big John will be drowning his sorrows in his own special way...

Well, back in Week 8, Big John was sitting pretty, having just beat up on the pathetic Fists and improving his record to 6-2. Six weeks later, all is in shambles. After losing 4 out of 5 games to wrap up the regular season, Big Toilet and his Thieving Horde of Felching Fecophiles has dropped an even bigger dud, scoring only 62 points and losing to the surprisingly feeble Pill Poppers, who themselves managed only 77. From his own sulphurous backside, Satan himself could not produce such a reeking abomination of a game. Is this what we have waited all year for? I think not. Even the hideously cursed Fists would have beaten either of you guys! The other game was only marginally more tolerable. Having alternated wins and losses since Week 7, Benmiova was due for a loss, and sure enough that's exactly what happened. Despite the fact that Adrian Peterson scored only 0.3 points, the ham-sandwich-loving ladies of CLL still managed 125 more with the other seven players. Next up, the Snackmaster, who, finding himself idle in Week 14, figured the season, like so many before, was over. You're not done yet, Snacky! Next week it's Tom "A Zillion Years in Hell" Brady and Randy "Are you Hootie?" Moss. With the awful Jets coming to town, no less! The Pill Poppers will need to double their point output next week to have a hope in Hell against Bendar, but then stranger things have happened. To whit: in Week 14, with nothing to play for, the craptastic Reamers scored 140 points, and they could have scored 170 with one obvious substitution! I've said it before and I will say it again: the WFL sucks! Until next week: Oop Ack!

Think again, Pill Poppers!

Well, as it turned out the Pill Poppers did NOT have to double their point output from Week 14 to beat Bendar. In fact, all they needed to do was match their anemic point from Week 14 and they would have won, but even that was asking too much. In a sad display of fantasy footballing, Bendar barely beat the Pill Poopers, 76 - 74, in what has to go down as one of the lowest scoring WFL playoff games of all time. Oh, except for Pill Poppers vs. Enema Bandits the week before. Peeee-yooo! Not that the other game was any better. CLL did manage to score 95, but Snackmaster could only coax 51 points from his suddenly flaccid unit. Not since Moon Unit only scored 37 in the 2006 playoffs has there been such a hideous reek of failure wafting about the league. Poor Snacky. He has yet to win a playoff game, ever! No matter how good or awful his team, he just can't win the big game. Therefore, he is the recipient of this year's "Moon Unit" award for the biggest playoff disaster. Although the Pill Poppers dubious, last-minute Kevin Faulk-DeAngelo Williams substitution merits consideration. Had he just left things alone, Stan would have beat Bendar handily and then would have beat CLL in the Uberbowl. My dream scenario, however, would have had Bendar losing by 8.95 points or less and having Brian Westbrook take a knee at the one yard line after a 23 yard run! Oh, that would have been so deliciously horrible and altogether fitting of this God-forsaken pastime. Oh well, it's Bendar and CLL in the Uberbowl, with The Once Mighty Fists and The Once Mighty Mouse squaring off in the Toilet Bowl. Who will be best? Who will be worst? Who will give even one, stinking shit? Find out next week. Oop Ack!!

Another year, another titanic Uber-dud dropped by CLL. For the second year in a row, the labia-lovin' ladies of CLL find themselves rotating on the glistening, throbby end of the championship stick. One more year of this and they will take over for the P-Fists as the Buffalo Bills of the WFL. (That spot is now available as the Fists have assumed the role of the Atlanta Falcons of the WFL.) Any glimmer of hope that CLL had was dashed when Adrian "I scored half my fantasy points in two games" Peterson dropped a dud of his own against the Foreskins and LaDainian Tomlinson had a merely human game against the dog-ass Broncos. Bendar had little trouble capturing his second WFL title in three years and ensuring his place in Hell as Satan's cabana boy. Here's an interesting tidbit (at least for the confused and demented miscreants that are the owners in the WFL): Nine of the ten total slots in the past five Uberbowls have been occupied by either CLL, Bendar, or the P-Fist Allstars. The only other team to make the final game in that time is The Reamers in 2004. The Fists are 1 for 4, CLL 1 for 3, and Bendar 2 for 2 in the big game. Someone has to volunteer to sell their soul next year to give Hendee a run for his money. In the Toilet Bowl, the Mighty Fists prove they are only second-worst and beat the hapless Mouse 125-109. Of course if Roy had started Brandon Jacobs it would have been a different story. Oh well, we'll take it any way we can get it. Still trying to figure out where and when to have a year-end celebration. Last year over 3 people actually attended! I will email everyone with details if such a thing actually develops. Until then, Oop Ack!

2002 - 2004

2004 – Reamers beat P-Fists Allstars

Week 16
Another year, another championship-style cornholing for the Mighty Fists of Poop. The Reamers didn't even require the services of running back Fred Taylor to make quick work of the Fists, who are quickly turning into the Buffalo Bills of the WFL. In the Toilet Bowel, Shifty somehow manages to eke out a victory over the hapless Mouse despite not changing his line-up since Week 8. Mighty Mouse earns the dubious distinction of being the worst team in the league, just three years after winning the whole thing. Thank you all for helping me to waste so much time over the last 5 months. Don't forget: the NFL draft is only 3 months away. Hope to see you all at Paul's house this Sunday. Details on the Web site. Oop Ack!

 

This picture has nothing to do with this story....

Week 15
Well, I guess it's like the old saying goes: "When the Greasers get reamed, the Poppers get fisted." The two best teams in the league were rudely eliminated last weekend, leaving the rabble to scratch and claw for the WFL championship. While the Reamers kicked the Greasers in their collective ham sandwich, the Quivering Fists of Upyorsh ended the Poppers amazing 8-game winning streak, thus guaranteeing an upstart-free Uberbowl. Also this weekend, the Ebolas take on the Not-So-Mighty Mouse in the Toilet Bowl to determine just who is the crappiest team in the league. The loser will be flushed in effigy at our "Thank God It's Over" Party on January 23rd. Mark it on your calendars. Do it. Now. Damn your eyes! Oop Ack!!

 

 

 

 

 

Ooooo beggy and how........

Week 14
The Mighty Clenched Ones gave up the funk and then some yesterday, fisting the Moon and his itchy, scaberous Unit clean back to the Stone Age. A double-digit underdog for the second week in a row, the Fists once again emerged victorious to advance to the next round of the playoffs where they will meet Stan and his Pill Poppers, winners of eight in a row. Will the Poopy Fists continue to give up the funk or will they cough up the funk? Only time will tell. In the other game of the week, the Stuckeymaster took a page from the 2003 season and choked on a big nut log. The Reamers are the beneficiary of Snacky's sudden stinkiness, and will go on the road to face division-rival Greasers next week. Will the Uberbowl be a greasy fist, a greasy pillock, a fisting ream, or a pill-popping ream-something-or-other? Tune in next week to find out. Until then, oop ack!

 

 

Best get yourself some....

Week 13
Playoff Seedings:

1) Greasers (1st-round bye)

2) Pill Poppers (1st-round bye)

3) Mighty Fists of Reek

4) Reamers

5) Snackmaster (!?!?!)

6) Moon Unit (points)



Finally! It is here. Time for half the league to prepare themselves for high-stakes fantasizing. Sadly, it is also time for the other half of the league to hang their heads and wonder what might have been. No teams collective head is hanging lower than that of CLL. All they had to do was beat the sputtering P-Fist Allstars and the division crown was theirs. Unfortunately for them, the Plunging Fists shot their big porno-star-sized wad on the day when it counted most. Scoring a season-high 225 points, the Clenched Ones issued a challenge to the rest of the league: "We don't suck as bad as you thought we did! At least this week! And hopefully next week! Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not." They earned the right to host Moon Unit in Week 1 of the playoffs. The other game will be Snackmaster vs. the Reamers in a game that pits two teams who backed into the playoffs, losing their final two games. Snacky lost out in the Loaf to the streaking Pill Poppers, winners of eight in a row. Amazingly, Peyton Manning scored 308 points for the Poppers during their run, and that includes a bye week! The Poppers have to wait a week to see if they can keep the streak alive. As do the Greasers, who finished in style to clinch the best record in the league and high score for the year. On the bottom end of things, Big John's Enema Bandits beat both the Reamers and the Greasers in the last three weeks to avoid playing in the Toilet Bowl. That dubious honor goes to the Ebolas and Mighty Mouse, whom Big John beat in an 88-74 thriller in Week 6. Oooo beggy, and how! Until next week, Oop Ack!

 

Ask not for whom the fist clenches....

Week 12
Beware, Earth Pinks. The Stark Fist of Removal is scouring your squalid planet. Only through intense, sustained excremeditation can you avoid the twisted fate of the Mediocretins. (More, actual information to follow Wednesday.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Too many pills.......

Week 11
Pilling me softly.  Or not so softly, as the case may be. The Pill Poppers, at one time seemingly destined to wear the mantle of "Trim S 2004," have rebounded with 5 straight victories, scoring an incredible 719 points in the process. His latest victim was the hapless Ebolas, headed for a date with destiny and Big John in the Toilet Bowl. Catch it on ESPN 8: The Ocho! Speaking of Big John, his Bataan Death March of a season presses forward toward what can only be a most ignominious conclusion. In other news, both less triumphant and less tragic, The Stinking Fists of Poo extend their winning streak to three games to take the lead outright in the Corn, while at the same time helping Ben Miova kiss goodbye to his playoff hopes. The Mouse finally roared this week, taking out all the frustration of a disappointing season on Moon and his Hindenburg-like Unit. The Greaser came from behind on Monday night, unloosing her Donovan and drenching an unsuspecting CLL with Chunky Soup. The Snackiest of all possible Masters continues his Bizarro World season, winning his third in a row and getting ready for a showdown with the Pill Poppers in Week 12. Bendar takes a bite of the Reamer's Culpepper and finds it a little spicy for his liking. Bendie should get used to spicy food, as his team has lost three straight and is headed south in a hurry. Divisional play starts again this week. Time to separate the men (and woman) from the puking, simpering man-animals. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaaaaa! Oop ack!

 

The Toilet Bowl Awaits

Week 9
With Greaser apparently wrapping up the WFL championship (can you beat her?) the real drama this year might be the race for the leagues worst team. With four weeks to play Mighty Mouse, the Ebolas, and the Enema Bandits are all tied at 2-7, two games worse than the next worst team. If the season ended right now, it would be Roy and Big John puking it out in the Toilet Bowl to avoid being taggeg "The Leagues Worst." Don't count Shifty out, though. With games against the Pill Poppers, Reamers and Greasers coming up, the Ebolas may reach the Toilet Bowl yet. Elsewhere in the league, the Corn division has evolved into a glorious worker's paradise, with wins and losses equally divided among all the teams. This compared to the Loaf (Western-style capitalism - Republican tax evader Snacky at the top) and the Bung (oppressive Third World dictatorship - picture Theresa in a general's uniform and Ray Ban Aviator sunglasses.) Good luck this week. Oop Ack!

 

 

 

 

The Fister's new squeeze

Week 8
Just like Forrest Gump once said, "Life is like a big slab of sheperd's pie with loads of salty lamb sauce. You always know just what your going to get." Or something like that. The P-thetic Allstars sunk to new levels of Snackiness last weekend, scoring the fewest points in their illustrious, 8-year history. To quote the Gump once more, "That's all I want to say about that." In other, less feeble news, Bendar continues to bend the week and sickly, mercifully culling the herd. The latest diseased wildebeest was Big Taco John and his Turd Ticklers. CLL gets back on track in a big way, doubling up on the Minnie Mouse. The Greasers open up yet another 55-gallon drum of reekin' whoopass, pouring it all over the hapless Snackmaster. The Snack enjoyed his domination thoroughly, begging for more humiliation. Greaser eventually got turned off "because he wanted it a little too much." The Reamers had little trouble reaming the Moon and his scabby, pustulant Unit. Moon and the unmighty Fists are neck and neck in the "I-guess-this-is-our-year-to-suck" division. And finally, the Ebolas take another steel-toe boot in the soft danglies, this week lovingly administered by your pal, Ben Miova. Until next week, oop ack!! Be sure and go vote for the drivelling moron of your choice. Two to choose from! Oop ack, indeed.

 

 

 

I smell a change in the air....

Week 6
Week 6 in the WFL was a week of unprecedented and hideous uprisings from the bottom. The scum of the league vacated their metaphorical trailer park and went on a rampage through the nearby gated community, leaving a trail of battered rent-a-cops and lawn jockeys in their wake. First to go was the Greaser, caught dozing by The Pill Poppers in the arboretum after putting away a bottle of Louis XIII. A 40 over the head made short work of the fat cat. The once impenetrable compound of The Reamers was next to fall. The Ravaging Fists of Inbreeding stormed the mansion and treated their unwilling host to a real down-home Deliverance-style cornholing. CLL Global Inc. was trading down Monday after the company's CEO and president were attacked outside corporate headquarters by a large bearded man wearing a chef hat and, horrifically, nothing else. After pummling the two senseless, the man danced over their battered bodies howling "How do like that, pink boy?" He then grabbed his package and, gyrating wildly, screamed "I got yout tax break right here!! How about a little trickle-down for you?" He then urinated on the unconscious men until he was subdued by police and 400 gallons of pepper spray. Thanks to an agreement worked out by the WTO, the Third World Ebolas were able to export hemorrhagic fever directly to Mighty Mouse's bloodstream. A hideous, gooey death was quick to follow. The Snackmaster runs his record to 2-0 versus his old division mates by pounding Moon and his Engorged Unit. After the game, Snacky was heard to say, "I'll take my Metro State degree and whoop up on those Colorado College pretty boys any day!" And finally, the upstart, the eleventh-hour addition, the "patsy," Bendar beats the other bendy team to take the outright lead in the Corn. What could it be next? John Kerry in the White House? Only time and the Supreme Court will tell. Until next week: workers of the world, oop ack!!

 

Ah, the vertical smile....

Week 5
The Pill Poppers were treated to a WFL delicacy this weekend: a juicy pressed ham with all the trimmings. Moon and his shriveled, gangrenous Unit dropped trow and served up a helpin' helpin' of fleshy bum cakes with a generous portion of dangling fruit on the side. Held rapt by the unblinking gaze of the lidless eye, the hapless Poppers uttered not a peep as they were mooned into oblivion. Other suffering to report: the pathetic P-Fist Brownstars get their sacks handed to them by the Greaser, who generally doesn't do a lot of sack handling; Snacky gets back on track with a commanding loss over the Reamers, who keep pace with the Greasers at 4-1; the Virus continues his dizzying descent into the bowels of the Bung, losing his forth straight; it's okay though, Big John's there to keep him company. Finally, from the Moon-Unit-would've-beat-both-you-schlubs-put-together department, Bendar edges the Maus in a thriller. Until next week, oop ack!

 

 

 

 

 

The jubilant Snackmaster spews forth his vile excretions

Week 4
From Revelations 5:12-13: I watched as he opened the seventh seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, the stars in the sky fell to earth, and he that was called Snackmaster was found to be leading his division. Terrorism, disease, poverty, famine, genocide: all these things might lead one to believe that the end is near. But now, my children, we have proof beyond question. Snacky had little trouble with the Floundering Fists to take the lead in the Loaf over the not-so-mighty Mouse, who got trapped by Big John and his burgling band of flagitious fecophiles. CLL continues their title "defense" by getting ignobly Bent without even a hint of a reach-around. The bun also rises for the Ebolas, who find themselves on the pooey end of an even more severe bending courtesy of that other bendy team. The Greasers got Mooned for their first loss of the season, and the Reamers capitalize by overdosing the Pill Poppers, who continue to score fairly well despite not having changed their lineup since Week 1. All in all, another screwy week in the old WFL, as you would expect from the end of days. Repent! Oop Ack!

 

 

 

 

Burn, baby, burn!

Week 3
We always knew she was a hot babe, but this is out of control! With her eye on a perfect 3-0 record, the Greaser treated Big John to a bubbling dunk in the deep-fat fryer this Sunday. Powerless to help himself, John bobbed and fizzed like the overgrown hushpuppy that he is, and now along with his 0-3 record is slowly sinking in the slick, alabaster ooze of the grease trap of the WFL. In other news the Virus and Bendar get the ol' WFL two-cheek salute. Bendy loses his tight one to the Mighty Fists of Backdoria, falling by less than a freakin' point. Shifty would have beat all but two teams with his 128 points, but as we all know by now, lady luck is actually a she-male dominatrix with a johnson the size of a plantain. So instead, the Ebolas get roughed up by the Reamers, who take high score for the week. From the "Signs of the End Times" department, Snackmaster has already doubled his win total from last year, this week knocking the Mouse from the ranks of the unbeaten. Somehow he did this while starting Quentin Griffin instead of Jamal Lewis. And finally, a warm WFL how-you-doin' to Benmiova, who lost despite the fact that The Pill Popper's starting RBs didn't even play! That's what it's all about folks. I tell you, it brings tear to my eyes. Until next week, OOP ACK!

 

 

 

Uuuuuuuhhhhhhh! Oh, forget it!

Week 2
Things are tight in the Corn, folks. Not since the final days of The King have things been so tight in the corn. With Bendar getting mooned by the Unit and the Glistening Fists of Reek falling to the hated Tongue-Bungulators of CLL, there's a four-way tie for first (and last) place in the Corn Division. The impaction is bound to let up after next week, with CLL squaring off with Moon Unit in Gripe Match 1. The winner will be decided not by how many points are scored, but by how many WFL rule inconsistencies the owners can point out to Der Kommissar. Oh the fur will be flying. May the bitchiest team win! In other exciting news, Big John is circling the drain after his second straight loss, this time getting Reamed 98-79. Snackmaster sees his winning streak stop at 1, getting Bent by Benmiova, who get their first W. The Greasers improve to 2-0, killing the Ebolas not-so-softly with their song. And finally, the Mouse takes no Flack in roughing up the Pill Poppers, who carry the legacy of Trim S into the 2004 season. Until next week: Oop Ack!

 

 

 

 

CLL gets bent

Week 1
In a shocking turn of events, 2003 WFL champ CLL was upset by 11th-hour addition Bendar this weekend, prompting unmitigated joy throughout the league. "Serves 'em right, the bastards," said P-Fist owner Paul Moore when reached for comment. Expressing a sentiment shared by many, he went on to say that "maybe they should have spent less time deriding the decisions of others and concentrated on picking a team that didn't suck!!" When finally reached for comment, CLL co-owner Chris Black had this to say: "Fuggaffyoo-fuggincogsugginmuddashidog-fuggaaaaaaaiieieieieeeeeeee! In other exciting news, the Greasers spare the grease in a dry reaming of the Reamers, taking high score for the week. Moon and his Preternaturally Large Unit get to know the Fist in the biblical sense. The Virus squeaks by Juan Grande and his Colostomy Baggers. Snackmaster immediately begins enjoying his new division, beating himself, er, The Pill Poppers handily. And finally, the Mouse obliges Benmiova by bending them over. Until next week, oop ack!

 

 

 

 

 

It begins!

At long last it is here. Let the fantasizing begin. Good luck this weekend. May the marginally less crappy team be slighty less violently fisted.

 

 

 

 

 

2003 – CLL beats P-Fists Allstars

Week 16
(No Uberbowl column.  Apparently I was too depressed.)

 

Week 14
It's playoff time, right? Time for some thrilling, down-to-the-wire, knock-down, drag-out battles between the WFL elite, right? WRONG! How about ass-kickings of Biblical proportions? How about Caligula-style mass fistings the likes of which haven't been seen in close to two thousand years? How about epoch-ending interstellar catastrophes? Not since Shoemaker-Levy has there been a comparable pounding within the bounds of our solar system. The Mighty Fists of Gomorrah administered the most severe beating of the day, crushing Mr. Doo and his Dud Droppers by the remarkable score of 203 - 77. The enigmatic CLL, late of Sodom themselves, had no trouble bending the Greaser to their will, and triumphed 147 - 92. Now that we've separated the men from the quivering man-animals, we can get down to business. As a reward for their massive victory, the Fists get to take on No. 1 seed Moon and his Hideously Misshapen Unit, while CLL squares off with the oh-so-appropriate No. 2 seed, Big John and His Enema Bag of Lingering Despondency. Soon we shall see who has the greater seed, regardless of seeding. Until next week, Oop Ack!!

 

Week 13
Thank the good lovin' Lord, the playoffs are here at last. A bitter bung to swallow for those left out in the cold, but a chance to earn some real cash for those lucky enough to be in the thick of it. And those lucky folks are, in order:
1) Moon Unit
2) Enema Bandits
3) Do Drop Inn
4) CLL
5) Greasers
6) P-Fist Allstars (points)
The Moon Pies and the Turd Burglers get a week off to rest their weary asses, leaving CLL to square off with the Greaser and the Clenched Ones battling the Doo Dropper. Moon Unit had the lead in overall points going into Monday night's tilt, but CLL scored 14 to take home the coveted prize. Interestingly, no team winning high score for the year has ever won der Uberbowl. Until next week, oop ack!

 

Week 11
Ahhh yes, time for the old "Two Fucking Yards" column. It seems like every year at least one team has occasion to utter these now famous words. This week, that dubious honor belongs to the Mighty Fists of Poop, who needed just two fucking yards from Terrell Owens in the final 11 minutes of Monday night's game. Unfortnately, some of Snacky's rancid luck rubbed off on the Clenched Ones, and it was not to be. Yet another forced entry in the massive gang rape that is this fantasy football season. In other news, the most anticipated game of the season turned out to be a big dud instead as Moon Unit slipped past CLL 80 to 73. Do Drop drops his fourth turd in a row, losing by less than a point to Trim S. Mighty Mouse can't capitalize, however, and gets bent by Ben. The Loaf Division is looking a lot like the AFC Central. The Greasers whoop up on The Biggest of all Possible Johns and knot things up in the Bung, while Shifty and his Dread Disease do in the Reamers. Until next week, Oop Ack!

 

Silly man animal!

Week 10
Break out your gold chains and your polyester liesure suit, it's time to dance! Of course most of us are doing the Macarena compared to Moon Unit and CLL and their weekly Tony Manero impression. It's all we can do just to stay alive when subjected to the weekly disco inferno of points from these two powerhouses, and that ain't no jive talkin' neither. (Groan) A mere fifth of a point is all that separates these two in their quest for high score for the year. Most recent victims include the Reamers, who come up 60 points short to the Moonies, and Big John, who scored an ass-load of points but not enough to avoid getting licked by the Lapdogs. In other, less exciting news, the Strangely Browns manage to clamber back to .500 by dropping a big doodoo and the Virus ekes out a victory over Trim S despite not being able to access the Web site. In other, even less exciting news, Benmiova asks the Greasers "How deep is your love?" and finds out only seconds later to his enduring chagrin. And last but certainly least, Snacky snatches defeat from the jaws of victory once again, watching helplessly as Chris Chambers scores 14.6 on MNF to put the Mouse up by two. Oh, the humanity! Until next week, Oop Ack!

 

 

 

 

Beleaguered owner Sir Snacky

Week 7
That's right, it sucks! For example, consider the case of former commish and current cellar-dweller Snackmaster. His limp-dicked crew have only scored 544 points and are 0-7, deservedly so. But look at Mighty Mouse! His equally inept band of retards has only scored 4 more points than Snacky, yet he stands at 3-4. You know why this is? Because the WFL sucks, that's why! It sucks a giant, glistening, pulsating knob of intergalactic proportions! Yes it sucks that Snacky had to wind up in the same division as the three highest scoring teams in the league, including the upstart CLL, who this week opened up the proverbial can of whoopass on Trim S, posting a 100-point margin of victory. Let's not forget the Moon, flashing their Bulger and giving Big John a richly-deserved pressed ham. And what of the Poop Fisters, who decide to fist someone other than themselves for a change, reaming the Reamers by 45? Of course, it really doesn't matter who he plays, does it? This week, for example, the Doo Dropped on Snacky in a big way, preserving his imperfect record and unique odor. Ben Miova prevents an outbreak, as the Virus loses for the second week in a row to drop to the bottom of the Bung. And finally, the Greasers mistake the Mouse for a gerbil with hilarious consequences. Until next week, Oop Ack!

 

 

 

 

No, not him, moron............... HIM!

Week 6
Ahhh, nothing like a little autofistation to get the day started right! Last Sunday I thought I'd wake up, make a little coffee, get the newspaper, and then shove my fist so far up my own ass I could chew my nails from the other side. Unfortunately for me, my morning went exactly as planned, except for the fisting, which was even more severe than originally conceived. Trent "I know how to hand off!" Green finally put together a top-notch fantasy performance, but the P-Fisters didn't start him, costing themselves 40 points and a victory over Big Toilet and his Turd-burgling Band of Fecophiles. Shepherd's Pie all around, boys, with a side of KY to ease our suffering. In other news, the Greasers drop kick the Doo, tightening things up in the Loaf. The Mouse chews through the Virus before doing it's business in your box of Cocoa Blasts, Snacky finds himself on the receiving end once again as the Reamers catch him unawares and take him roughly from behind. The recently deprogrammed Moonies Trim the S with a rusty straight razor, and Benmiova gets lapped by the unshaven, mullet-sportin' miscreants of CLL. Until next week, Oop Ack!

 

 

Shut yo' mouth!

Week 5
In what is becoming an all-too-familiar scene, the Snackmaster was found Monday morning passed out in the alley, face-down in the broken glass, cigarette butts and vomit, pants around his ankles. He went out on Sunday expecting a good time, expecting to have little trouble with the lowest scoring team in the league. Things were looking good going into Sunday evening. "Win #1, here I come!" exaulted the Snackmaster. He never saw the chloroform-soaked rag coming until it was too late. Peyton Manning and the entire Colts defense lined up to have their way with Snacky in the alley that night, supplying the latest humiliation in what has become an endless string of indignities. In other news the Greasers storm back Monday night to beat the Moonies and notch their first win. The Bandits, the Doo, and CLL continue to roll and the P-Fisters are sucking wind. Have a great week!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ahh, this is how the Raiders Feel!

Week 4
Ya I suck, but at least I'm not a Raiders Fan. I know you guessed it, this is not the commish. The weekly commentary is brought to you by the Man formally known as commish, Sir Snacky! After viewing the fisting of the Raiders I shall celebrate by subjecting us all to my slush of friverlous crap. First of all we must mention the defending champion Benmiova, check out his score and see who this so called Raider Fan can thank for his score, ahh devine justice. Moon continues to surprise us all, I mean come on, when we left the draft most of us thought, " Moon needs to put the pipe down" Who am I to comment, this is the third year in a row I have sucked. Their are three of us sucking this year though, misery loves company. The fists got fisted, Do dropped a bomb, Mouse isn't so mighty and big John may be back, we'll see! One final thought, Raiders suck! Have a great week!

 

 

 

Silly man-animal!

Week 2
Grease is NOT the word for Week 2 in the ever-fisting WFL. The Greasers lost to the Virus by less than half a point and have now lost their first two games by a total of 3.5 points. Luck is indeed a fickle mistress in the world of fantasy football. One can't help but heed her siren song, somehow never noticing the chloroform-soaked rag and strap-on until it's too late. Others waking up sore and confused include the Moon Unit, who somehow manage NOT to get high score despite having Jamal Lewis, and the Fists and Enema Bandits, who manage to lose despite scoring well over 100 points. In other news, Snacky continues his reign of terror, Trim S is wondering why the hell he signed up for this, and Mighty Mouse gets his willy steamboated by the Doo. Good luck and beware the chloroform-soaked rag!

 

 

 

Silly man-animal!

Week 1
Here's an SAT question for you: Battlefield Earth is to bad reviews as the WFL is to.... The correct answer is C: Rude, violent fistings! Yes there are always plenty of rude, violent fistings to go around in the old WFL, as our newest owners found out last weekend. CLL needed just one field goal from last year's top kicker to win their game over Moon and his disproportionately large Unit, but the Eagles faked the field goal instead, and didn't get it!! Our other newbie, Eric Cox, must be feeling pretty good after his reserves outscored his starters 92 to 52. I think we have to bring back the Shepard's Pie award for that one. In other news, the Greasers lose a tight one to the Reamers, Benmiova gets Dropped by the Doo, the Virus gets hosed by the EBandits, and the Nameless Fists out of Time materialize to smack the Snack for their first opening day win in three years. Yeehaw!

 

 

 

2002 – Benmiova beats Reamers

Week 16
Generally when you get a Reamer and someone named Benmiova together, the resulting act is all too predictable. However, in a stunning reversal of roles, the Reamers got a right reaming of their own in the WFL Uberbowl. This marks the second straight year that "Raichart's friends" have gone all the way. C'mon Koop-folk, what gives?!? Anyhoo, congratulations to Doug Travis and his Bender Boys. They take home $700 all told. On a slightly related note, the Greaser edged Snackdaddy to avoid being the worst team in the league. We were pulling for ya all the way, Snacky! Chris owes Doug a case of beer of his (Doug's) choosing and also $5.00 to make up the rest of the prize money. Thanks for a great year. See you in 2003!

Week 14
Who's more bitter? The P-Fist All Stars, after losing to the Moon Unit by .85 points? A Jason Elam miss from 33 yards was the final nail in the coffin. Do Drop Inn, who lost to the Enema Bandits on a meaningless Paul Edinger field goal on Monay night? Sure, these people are bitter, but my vote for the most bitter goes to the Ebolas. If not for a 0.1-point loss in Week 6, Shifty would have won the division, played the P-Fists last week, and probably would have pummeled them again with another Ricky Williams 200-yard day. So many giant, bitter horse pills to swallow. Oh well, at least the NFL playoffs are coming up, that should be fun. Except the Broncos suck!! Ahhhhhh! Nothing but bitterness!!!

Week 13
The P-Fisters narrowly averted sucking an ass of unimaginable proportions in Week 13. Leading Do Drop by just 17.9 points for high score for the year, the Fists scored just enough and ended up winning by a mere 3.8 points. Had they lost, a hideous ass from the nether regions of time would have materialized for them to suck, an ass so repulsive that merely a glance would cause one to go gibberingly insane. In other news, the Reamers opened up the proverbial can of whoop-ass on the Enema Bandits to win the Bung and get a first-round bye. Benmiova topped the Donators to win the Loaf and grab the top seed for the playoffs. Sir Snack and the Greasers both lost to cement their date in the Toilet Bowl. Moon Unit busted out for 138 points in a meaningless game. They could've used some of those points last week. Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa! Next week's games: Moon Unit at Fisters, Enema Bandits at Do Drop Inn. See you then!

Week 12
Good Lord! After dropping a dud last week the Doo exploded all over the place in Week 12. Scoring a record 209 points, the Doo dropped the Donators like a bad habit. Had they played anyone else, the Donators would have come away with a victory. But as often happens in fantasy football, they were rudely fisted instead. The Do Drop's huge win was the bitter turnip in an otherwise glorious stew the P-Fisters enjoyed on Sunday. The Mighty Clenched Ones beat rival Moon Unit 99-78 to be the first team to clinch their division. Thinking they had high score for the year wrapped up with their victory, they were shocked to find themselves only 18 points ahead of Do Drop after his big day. Now they have their work cut out for them in Week 13. The Reamers and the Enema Bandits both held on for close victories to set up their big game next week. Get ready for the playoffs!

Week 11
With mastery of the Loaf dangling in the balance, Benmiova straightened up and handed it to the fellas down at the Do Drop Inn. Having beaten them already in Week 3, the Ever Bending Ones now control their own destiny heading into the playoffs. With just one more win in the next two games, they will wrap up the Loaf and head into the playoffs with a first round bye. The P-Fisters also control their own fate. By winning their last two games they will win the Corn and get a first round bye. They will get a get a tough test from the Moon and his Unit next week, a match not only for control of the Corn but for high points for the year. In other news, the Reamers ended their four-game skid and kept apace of the Bandits. The Brothers Ramirez finally changed their lineup and fisted themselves out of a victory, dropping their pants and their sixth in a row. The Donators kept their postseason hopes alive with a slim victory over last year's champ Mighty Mouse, who still could make the playoffs with a lot of help. Believe it or not, but only two teams are eliminated from the playoffs. You know who you are. See you next week! Update - After additional calculations, it has been determined that Mighty Mouse and Double Da Rammin have indeed been eliminated from the playoffs. Sorry guys!

Week 10
Big John caught himself a nasty virus over the weekend. Ordinarily resistent to bloodborne pathogens due to his excessive alcohol intake, Juan Grande finally met his match: The Ebolas! Mercifully, he didn't suffer for long. By the 4th quarter of the Pittsburgh-Atlanta game, it was more a matter of when than if. He finally gave up the ghost with Denver's pathetic effort on Monday night. Is this just an isolated case or the beginning of a league-wide epidemic? Only time will tell. The loss ended the Bandits 6-game winning streak, and cost them the outright lead in the Bung. In other news the P-Fisters whooped up on the Brothers Ramirez for their 4th win in a row, Moon Unit gets back on track versus the Donators, the Reamers drop their 4th in a row to Do Drop, who remains tied with Benmiova atop the Loaf after that team pounded the Snackmaster. Mighty Mouse wins his second in a row, sending the Greasers to their 3rd straight loss. Division play begins next week. We're in the home stretch!

Week 9
After a week of horrendous uprisings from the bottom, the P-Fisters and the Enema Bandits have made things very interesting in their respective divisions. Following an 0-3 start, Big John and his gaggle of fetishists have reeled off six wins in a row to tie for the lead in the Bung. Whoever made the schedule is a complete genius because the Reamers and the Bandits are due to square off in Week 13. Lawdy! After a dismal 0-2 start of their own, the Mighty Fists of Poop have battled back to take the lead outright in the hotly contested Corn! Meanwhile, Doo Drop wins his second in a row to re-take the lead in the Loaf. Only four weeks left in the regular season. Stay tuned!

Week 8
Ya know, I was writing the funniest article yet. It had everything: enemas, log jams, Elvis-loads of barbituates, you name it. Then I accidentally hit "Back" on my browser, and it all disappeared. So this is what you get. I'm going to bed.

Week 7
Well, the fisting continues apace in the old Wynkoop Football League. This week's most debauched example is that of the Moon and his Unit. After smugly laughing themselves to sleep following their come-from-behind victory on Monday night, the Moonies were shocked to learn they had been boned by the old "Live Scoring Paradox." A 3-point victory mysteriously evaporated into a 0.3-point loss. The horror, the horror. On a lighter note, Sir Snack finally gets into the "Win" column and does it in style, scoring 135 and taking high score for the week. Do Drop loses a tough one. The Poopy Fist of the week goes to the Donators and Double Da Rammin, who between them scored less than the three top scoring teams. The Reamers finally get a reaming of their own and drop from the ranks of the unbeaten. Benmiova does the honors and makes the race for top playoff seed a little more interesting. In other news, Shannon Sharpe scores a billion points, pacing the Greaser's victory over the Virus, who has now dropped five in a row. At the other end of the spectrum, the Enema Bandits and Benmiova have won 4 and 5 in a row, respectively, and the Mighty Fists of Poopoo have taken the lead in points scored for the year. Joy!

Week 6
That's all the Virus needed from Darrell Jackson on Monday night, two fucking yards. Just two! Not three, but two. Already on the losing end of several close games, the E-Bolas suffered the ultimate indignity in Week 6, losing by a tenth of a point. If only Jackson had been able to eke out two more yards, if only Ricky Williams hadn't been stuffed on so many running plays, if only the Panthers had allowed 12 fewer yards...., so many ifs, so many ands, so many butts. In a similar hellishly frustrating episode, the P-Fists came within one missed tackle of beating Do Drop Inn, but instead got the violent fisting to which they are becoming accustomed. The Reamers continue to ream and rend their opponents. Not to take anything away, after all they are the highest scoring team, but it helps when your opponents average 73 points per game. Who scheduled this shit anyway? Benmiova bends the Greasers for his fourth win in a row, and Moon Unit starts a new win streak at the expense of Da Bruddas Ramirez. See you next week. Good luck and happy fisting!

Week 5
The once mighty fantasy stalwarts of the Corn Division got fisted into a parallel dimension in Week 5, a dimension decidely different from our own. A dimension in which teams like the Reamers and Do Drop Inn are fantasy juggernauts, a dimension where Double Da Rammin, Benmiova, and the Donators are forces to be reckoned with, a dimension where the Enema Bandits score 154 points for chrissakes! Where is this horrible place, and how the hell do I get back where I came from?!? Slowly, the realization creeps over me, and when I finally grasp the full measure of the tragedy which has befallen me I am shaken to the very core, gasping for breath: I am trapped forever in this horrible alter-reality. Aaiiieeeeeeeee!!

Week 4
Snackmaster has boldly gone where no team has gone before, to 0-4! Like the red-shirted guy beaming down to a hostile alien planet, it was over early for Sir Snack-a-Lot as the Reamers rolled up 125 points behind Ladainian Tomlinson. As bad as Snacky was beaten, it was nothing compared to the right royal fisting administered by the Clenched Ones. First round draft pick Shaun Alexander finally delivers as the P-Men fisted the Donators back to the Carboniferous. Also falling into the red-headed stepchild category for Week 4 is last year's champ Mighty Mouse, who gets Rammed tough, 147-71. Moon and his Unit fall from the ranks of the unbeaten, losing a heartbreaker to the resurgent Greasers, the Virus gets cured by Benmiova, and somehow the man with Marshall Faulk and Priest Holmes on his roster only scores 68 points, losing to the Enema Bandits! In the words of that loud, cherubic guy on ESPN: "That's why they play the game!" Have fun, folks! See you next week.

Week 3
I don't know what's more exciting: the high-caliber fantasy action of the WFL or the fact that eight of the twelve teams have butt-related names. It was a banner day for all things posterior as the butt-named teams dominated the mostly non-butt-named teams in Week Three. The Donators also won. I'm sure that name is butt-related somehow. Give me a minute, I'll think of it. Anyhoo, the Fists finally get into the win column by pounding the hapless former commish. Moon Unit stays atop the Corn Division by beating the Virus. Do Drop drops the soap and Benmiova takes him roughly from behind. The Reamers quadruple the Rammin, and the Greasers get win number one at the expense of Big John and his Enema Bag of Doom. See you next week!

Week 2
There's been a full moon two weeks in a row! A sign of the end times? Maybe not the end of the world, but perhaps the end of your chances for WFL glory. The Moon and his Unit bludgeoned another opponent this week, beating the Snackmaster 138-58. It wasn't even that close, folks. If this keeps up, the Moonies could be the team to beat in 2002. In other games, the Fists fisted themselves out of victory number one by starting the wrong QB. You're welcome, Mark. The E-Bolas improve to 2-0, as do the Reamers, the Rams (not the real Rams, who are 0-2), and Do Drop In, who handled last year's champ 124-64. Next week we have a couple of key, early-season matchups. The Moon squares off with the Virus for supremacy in the Corn, the Reamers and the Brothers Ramirez tangle to take the lead in the Bung, and at least 2 teams are going to be 0-3. Good luck and happy fisting!

Week 1
Top story: After the nightmare of last year's Uberbowl, the Greasers were looking forward to the 2002 season and a fresh start. Unfortunately, Week 1 has left The Greased Ones with that "not so fresh" feeling. With their new and more threatening moniker, the Reamers greased up and reamed the Greasers back to the stone age, pummeling them 150-68. Looks like Theresa should have let Snacky pick her team again this year. Other news: Contrary to what usually happens when you get a Moon and a Fist together, the Unit puckered up and rejected the P-Fists, 137-93. Juan Grande and his Ass Bandits lose a tight one to the Brothers Ramirez, 113-107. The Virus benefits from Snackmaster's ineptitude and the Bronco's stifling D and win 87-75. A couple of blowouts in the Loaf Division as Mighty Mouse and Do Drop roll. All in all, an excellent start to what I'm sure will be another scintillating WFL season. 

 

Coming soon to an Apocalypse near you.		Welcome to the Wynkoop Football League, where the best you can expect is to get a tiny dollop of KY for your weekly ass-fucking courtesy of that dominatrix she-whore otherwise know as Lady Luck. That's right. Skill has nothing to do with it. Think you drafted a good team? You're fucking insane. The Fates decide who will prevail and who will perish in filth and squalor. However, if you're Shifty and you have one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on your side, you may cheat fate (for a time) and smash the hapless Reamers in Week 1. Yes, the Reamers thought they had a smooth flight ahead, only to find themselves sitting next to Andrew Speaker coughing gobs of tubercular sputum in their face. When it was over, the Mighty Virus had dished out 133 points, leaving nothing behind but a sputtering pile of goo. On the Fistacular front, the Reeking Clenched Ones continue their cherished tradition of losing every single, stinking Week 1 game since the dawn of time. It was Run Fatboy Run dealing out the hurt this year, and not showing a milligram of trepidation about landing in the mighty Corn Division. Last year's champ Bendar (who did NOT keep Michael Turner) got upended by CLL in a reversal of last year's Uberbowl. Considering he only lost by 15 points, I'm sure it was extra painful to see that 68-yard touchdown pass to Donald Driver get called back because of a ridiculous penalty. See what I mean? It's all down to luck, and luck is no lady. She may look like a lady, but there's a huge, stinking dong there somewhere, just waiting for you to drop your keys. In other news, the Irish whoop up on Medium John and his Fecophiles, despite NOT starting Michael Turner; Snackmaster prevails over last year's Toilet Bowl loser Mighty Mouse despite not getting a single point from Willis McGahee; and finally, the Pill Poppers absolutely pound Benmiova despite losing first round pick Tom Brady for the season. There's that dong again! You can fool yourself into thinking this year will be different, but you're an idiot. Prepare yourself for pain and humiliation. The fantasy season is underway!

Rejoice! A massive fisting is coming your way!		Whoa Nelly! Have we got a fisting for you! We're talking serious, old-school style fisting like you find in the Bible. I mean real, honest-to-God, circa-1978-porno-style, back-before-everybody-shaved-their-pubic-hair, Ron-Jeremy-approved fisting action! I guess I do feel bad for Medium John and his Turd Burglars. At least a little. Okay, not at all. But to score 155 points and still lose? There's that dong again! I mean, if that's not the most hideous physical manifestation of the lurking dong of "Lady" Luck I don't know what is. Scoring the second highest number of points and losing to the highest scoring team for the week. And thus John's pain continues. Oh, but there's more! The pain continues for Bendar as well. After getting his sack handed to him by the Ebolas, the winner of two of the last three Uberbowls finds himself 0-2 and trailing the Fatboy and CLL by two games. Well, Bendy, I hope you're doing better in your other league. But that's not all! The pain continues for the Reamers. They lose two starting receivers, one for the season, pick up Hank Baskett, who scores them exactly one point (down 26 points from Week 1), has two bench RBs outscore Felix Jones by at least 18 points, and loses to Benmiova by 11. Oh God, the pain! But we don't just have continuing pain here in the WFL. Oh no, we have new and exciting pain as well! Like the pain endured in Week 2 by Snackmaster, with LT on the bench and Darren Sproles making the Bronco's defense look like quadriplegics, and Matt Cassel coming down with an acute case of Moss-blindness. His team, seemingly invincible on draft day, was not looking so hot in Week 2, losing in a feeble display to CLL. In other news, Run, Fatboy Run (hereafter called RFR) beats the Poppers like a rented mule to keep pace with CLL in the Corn; the Irish Crime Simpletons DO start Michael Turner, but the Falcons remember they are the Falcons and Turner scores 10% of his point total from Week 1. Even if he had matched it, ICS still would have lost to the Mouse. Next week: the two highest scoring teams in the league, the Ebolas and the Fists, square off in an early-season battle sure to be as anticlimactic as it is unimportant. Good luck and beware the dong!

The Fat Boys enjoy a tasty Snack.		Three weeks into the 2008 WFL season. Time to take stock. Time for a thoughtful analysis of the available facts and statistics. Time for a well-reasoned conclusion about the current state of the league. Time to spew bourbon from your nose and say "WHAT THE FUCK?" Bourbon-spewing fact #1: Run Fatboy Run is 3-0 and co-leading the mighty Corn. Latest victim: Snack "I might just have the strongest fantasy team ever!" Master. Face it Snacky. Randy Moss has already started hitting the bong. It's only a matter of time before he fails a piss test. Mitigating fact: the Fatboy only scored 72 points for the win, so I think we can expect the other massive shoe to drop very soon. Bourbon-spewing fact #2: The Virus is 3-0 and the highest scoring team in the league. Latest victim: The Reeking Fists of Mediocrity. Tragically, Nate Kaeding didn't kick 10 field goals on Monday night. Mitigating fact: This is Shifty we're talking about here. Bourbon-spewing fact #3: The Enema Bandits are 0-3, despite averaging 107 points per game. Big John has the inside track on the coveted "Most Fisted" award. Latest humiliation: losing to Bendar in a battle of beatens. Mitigating fact: He's in the Bung Division, isn't he? Well, I'm sure this is the just the first occasion of many this season where the phrase "WHAT THE FUCK?" will pass your lips. Of course, it's not really what leaves your lips you have to worry about, but rather what fleshy, throbbing member rudely forces its way in. Ask not for whom the dong stiffens. It stiffens for thee.

Thems some scary lesbians.		Well, they may do a lot of L-ing of Cs, but the ladies of CLL are nothing like the mental picture that springs to mind when you hear the phrase "girl-on-girl action." Nope, these two manatees are female only in the loosest possible sense of the word. And loose is what you'll be after they've violated you repeatedly with their gargantuan strap-ons. Did I mention something last week about an enormous other shoe dropping? Ah yes, in reference to Run Fatboy Run. Well, the shoe turned out to be a size 13 stiletto heel, wedged onto the hairy, calloused foot of CLL. It dropped repeatedly until the Fat Boy was perforated, deflated, and flapping in the breeze. Now CLL stands alone atop the Corn, indeed alone atop the league. The previously unbeaten Virus lost to fellow Bungster and arch-rival Big Toilet and his Thieving Fecophiles. Hey Shifty, I have two very painful words for you: Brett Favre. Oh the agony. The Bandits didn't even start a defense! In other, less exciting news the Salty Fists of Sodom get back on track and send last year's champ Bendar to a 1-3 start. The Pill Poppers have not one but two players score negative points, manage only 35 total and get throttled by the Snackmaster. The Irish brown eye is smiling as ICS exposes the hapless Reamers to the concept of a "Rusty Trombone." The Mouse bends Ben Miova and joins Snackmaster atop the Loaf. Good luck this week to all. May the infinitesimally less rancid team be imperceptibly less horrendously fisted.

...but the rest of her is icy cold!		Thanks Governor. That may be the case, but nothing, and I mean, nothing, is hotter than the sizzling fantasy action in the good ol' WFL. Where to begin, where to begin? Well, how about the bitter blood feud developing between the Snackmaster and Run Fatboy Run? That's right, after edging Snacky by less than a point in Week 3, the Fatboy gets a last-minute (reviewed, no less) touchdown from Hines Ward to beat Benmiova and better the bitter Snackmaster by 0.05 points for high score for the week. Though he couldn't be reached for comment, the Snackmaster was spotted at A-1 Pawn on Colfax trading in his wedding ring for a very large handgun and several boxes of ammunition. Let's hope for Bart's sake he wins next week. In other awful, depressing news the heretofore high scoring franchise in the WFL, the dreaded Ebolas, went down to hideous, ignominious defeat courtesy of the hapless Pill Poppers, the lowest scoring team in the league! When your kicker is the second highest scoring player on your team, you know you're in for a bad day. Shifty blamed the loss, his second in a row after a 3-0 start, on Sarah Palin, along with every other problem in the known universe, including the lack of a unified theory of physics, the canceling of Arrested Development, and his grandmother's gout. Next week sees these two bitter bungs (Snacky and Shifty) squaring off in a no-holds-barred bung match to settle once and for all who's the bitterest bung of all. Speaking of Bungs, a loss could drop Shifty two games out of first place in that very division, where the Irish Anarcho-Syndicalist Commune has been taking it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week... wait, that's not right. Now where was I? Oh yes, that Irish team has won three in a row and with Shifty's loss takes the lead outright in the Bung. Poor 1-4 Bendar was the latest team to fall victim to this drunken, violent onslaught. Next up for the Irish, the Titanic Fists of Pornography, who barely survived a furious and entirely unexpected rally from the dog-butt Reamers, now officially the worst team in the league. Right now it's a four man race for the Toilet Bowl, with the Reamers leading the way and Bendar, Big John, and Benmiova hot on their heels. One last painful, bitter story to report: CLL, undefeated and leading the mighty Corn, went into Monday night's game needing about 34 points to win their game over the (actually quite) Mighty (this year, at least) Mouse. In this game, CLL had Drew Brees (best player in the WFL - 33 points/game), Adrian Peterson (~20 points/game), and Robert Meachem (~14 points per game in Weeks 2-4). So things looked pretty good for the ladies. Well it was not to be. Brees threw two picks, Peterson dropped a big dud, and Meachem barely showed up. Instead of 34, they got 29 and lost by five. So CLL gets Der Kommissar's Dong of the Week Award. I am going to retroactively award dongs for Weeks 1-4 and tally up the tallywhackers at year's end to determine the most donged for the year. Maybe it will be you! There can be only one. Have fun and good luck next week. Oh, by the by, don't forget about the Week 7 Double-Header Party at the Snackmaster's massive domicile. More details to follow. Oop Ack!

Not the mouse you're used to.....		You remember that lab rat on which they grafted a human ear for safekeeping? Well, it never made the papers, but in that same lab they attached a gigantic horse cock to a mouse just for kicks. Wouldn't you know it, that mouse escaped and eventually made its way to Colorado, and now it's in your fantasy football league. The freakish abomination known as Mighty Mouse has been tearing the WFL multiple new a-holes over the last three weeks. What's next for this hideous miscreant, this affront to God? Well, for one thing, a date with the Mighty Fists of Tongue-Bungulation, the highest scoring team in the league and the high scoring team in Week 6. The difficulty of this match-up is more than offset by their other draw in Double Disaster Week 7: the lowly and loathsome Pill Poppers, who have somehow miraculously managed to win two in a row. In other exciting news, Bendar finally finds his mojo and whoops up on the pitiable Reamers, CLL straps one on and bends poor Ben Miova and his wife Ilene to boot (yes, there was actual boot involved), the Irish pink eye is sputtering after a long evening with the aforementioned Fists of Doom, the Snackmaster gets a Petri dish full of raw pestilence courtesy of the Virus and dies a lingering death, and the Pill Boys trip the gag reflex of John-of-Unusual-Size and his marauding band of slobbering shit swipers. Until next week, beware the dong and, of course, Oop Ack!

Double your displeasure!		And mercy, was it ever lacking in pleasure! Yes, the long-awaited Week 7 Double Header turned out to be something of a dud, unless you were one of the lucky teams to take advantage and go 2-0. But let's start with the other end of the happiness spectrum. By far the biggest dud was squeezed out by none other than, wait for it, the Reamers! Yes, the worst team in the league (now officially in the Power Rankings) managed only 61 points and got pummeled by the Snackmaster and the Enema Bandits. The second biggest dud (only marginally less massive than the Reamers') was painfully forced out by Benmiova, who scored only 68 and lost to Bendar and Snackmaster. (Wait, Snackmaster got to play the Reamers AND Benmiova on Double Penetration Sunday?? Who makes the schedule anyway?) In an unrelated incident, a large bag of cash was flung onto DK's lawn late Sunday night out of a white BMW, coincidentally smashing his Obama sign. Or was it a coincidence? Hmmmmm. The big winners Sunday were CLL, the aforementioned Master of Snacks, and the Irish team, all of whom vaulted to the top of their respective divisions. Everybody else split the difference, Mighty Mouse barely so, beating the Poppers by 0.65 points. Likewise the Ebolas who beat the Irish by 0.35. That's a 4-yard carry or an 8-yard pass. You have to think that somewhere in all the games that contributed to that score there were lots of plays that should have been, plays called back due to penalty, garbage yards in the last minutes of meaningless games, so many permutations of awfulness in the mathematics of despair that decides the fate of all of our fantasy teams. Or it could just be a massive, veiny, stinking, metaphorical dong going to town on your metaphorical behind. Yeah, or that. One last note: the Rotating Fists of Jebus continued their (unprecendented?) streak by breaking 100 points for the 6th game in a row, albeit just barely. Hang in there; we're getting close to the end, for good or bad. Mostly for good.

"You're either with us or we fist ya back to the stone age!"		Well, his last name may be Bush, but this President is all about the ass. Just like the Reeking Fists of Upyorsch, ol' Dubya has been fisting all of you eight ways to Sunday for what seems like the longest time. Well, soon Mr. Minibrain will be gone, but the Fists will still be here, violating you in ways you can't possible imagine, inflicting on you such blistering pain and abject humiliation that an eternity in Hell as Satan's colostomy bag would seem like an ice cream social by comparison. Subjecting you to inhuman acts of unutterable depravity, so monumentally vile that simply to witness them will cause you to go gibberingly insane, gouging out your eyes in hopes of obliterating the horrid images forever seared on your....oh well, you get the idea. The latest victim of the Transdimensional Fists of Infinite Shame is the uber-hapless Benmiova, loser of seven in a row and wondering if they still have to pay. (Yes, you do.) In other news, the much maligned Reamers, the biggest losers in Week 7's double bill, figure out that the whole point is to score more points than your opponents and do just that, squashing the Pile Poopers 120-55. The Mightiest-of-all-Possible-Mouses-Who-Also-Happens-to-Be-Quite-Literally-Hung-Like-a-Horse gets back on track, upending current WFL champ Bendar, who at 3-6 is angling for that last playoff spot based on points. CLL falls off a cliff after going two-for-two on Double Penetration Sunday and gets festered by the Ebolas. The Filthy Irish, also winners of two last week, likewise come up short this week and lose to the Snackmaster. Coincidentally, the Snackmaster and CLL are both gunning for the 2008 Moon Unit Award for team with the best record who craps themselves in the first round of the playoffs. They are numbers one and two, respectively, in least number of points scored against. Finally, the Enema Bandits pull a left cheek sneak and squeeze by the Fatboy, who gets 38 points from super asshole Phillip Rivers and only 48 points from the rest of his team. Well, that's the way the massive, special-order dildo bounces. Until next week, Oop and, of course, Ack!

Ahh, the fabled Fuck of the Irish.......		For a time this week it seemed as if Lady Luck had abandoned her chosen people, the Sons of Erin. But lest we forget, Lady Luck is no lady, but in fact a 250 pound he-she with a titanic schwantz and an Adam's apple the size of a goat's head. And ultimately, Luck was with Mike and his Irish Rabble last weekend, and knew them all repeatedly in a biblical sense. Of course I'm not talking about his actual game, because he was pitted against the once again indescribably feeble Reamers, and squashed them like Brian Boru hacking his way through a Viking horde. No, the real contest for ICS this week was with Bung-mate and arch-rival (I've just now decided) the Ebolas for high score for the week. Down 1.9 points going into Monday night's game, Mike got 2.2 points from Antwaan Randel El and edged out the Virus by 3/10 of a point. Of course, both teams won to keep things knotted up in the Bung. The Dreaded Fists of the Swollen Membrane also had a shot at their fourth high score of the year for a few minutes Monday night, but then the Foreskins defense decided to suck eggs and the Mighty Ones quickly faded from contention. The Fists did manage to beat Bendar though, and extend their winning streak to three in a row. In other scintillating news, CLL slipped by the Fatboy, staying atop the Corn and extending the Fatboy's losing streak to three games. The Snackmaster gets 0.8 points from his RBs combined and manages only 66 total to fall to the Pill Poppers, who themselves only score 79. Benmiova finally notches win number two, embarrassing the Mouse and keeping him tied with Snacky for the lead in the Loaf. Next week it's a clash of the titans as the Fists take on the Master, the Virus battles the Mouse, and CLL squares off with... oh, the Reamers. Of course the premiere bout of the week: Cancer Man (with special sidekicks Creationist Girl and Joe the Under-Achieving Sack of Shit) versus Terrorist Dude and the Gaffe Master. Remember, if you don't vote, you can't bitch for four years. Oop Ack!