"Ye List Of Stories for
inona
Ryder never starred in movies for which I had any **NATURAL** interest in as
someone the film demographers would consider "hopeless " and "irrelevant ".
Scratch that . There's always "Beetlejuice", but that's me waving a racing flag
in the stands for a screwball comedy that came out 20 years ago -- like a geek in
a foam hat holding up one of those giant " NUMBER 1 have been a completely acquired taste -- like for certain
French cheeses that smell like something a finicky cat squatted down and pissed on . But one holds their nose and
affects
sophistication ,he definitely
isn't . To me, cinema has always been about soda and popcorn-- not
champagne and brie . And let it be "Cousin Willie's Microwave Popcorn",
WITH EXTRA GREASE .
There was always something patently absurd about
Winona Ryder on the screen. That breathy urgency, a somber self-importance that
would make the world stop by the sheer force of her personality, though out here
in the Midwestern heartland she may as well be glaring at a horse's ass and expecting to
move the beast along with the power of telekenesis . Well, that horse backs up
and starts emptying its bowels, and there's your cosmic opinion .
I suppose her seductive appeal is
you want to kick
in the screen , go out into the night, and save her sinkhole of ennui "where's the beef?". And that's what
I'm asking myself as I become less and less like a lovesick teenager
moonlighting like a lowing calf and more
like a bemused old cooper who's seen the damnnest and certainly not up on a movie screen .
If I ever thought Winona and I could make
beautiful music together as off-kilter duo, here is "an artist's conception" of myself
stamping' and growlin' into the microphone like my hero, Scott H. Biram. . . . .
waitin' for his check from the devil to clear like so much low-down,
snake-bellied sin .
* Scott H. Biram & I
are not the same person, nor is he affiliated with this website in any way
except to give it a big "hell yeah!" for its free publicity. For his
website, go to "http://www.scottbiram.com
PROLOGUE
1) " The
Boy Raids the Kitchen. . . . ."
Late '80s" Comfort Food"
on television, for a snail-eyed slug of a boy needing inspiration!
Click
here
for the story.
2)
"The
Castle is Under Siege!"
The awful truth about grandiosity, pomposity, and "lost" royal lineage!
Click
here
for the story.
3) " The
Fall of '99"
A
brief,
humorous snapshot of what life looked like before I started my writing career in
earnest!
Click
here
for the story.
4) "'Dear
Winona'. . . . . The Original Fan-Mail from 1999 "
Heaven forbid, what started it all a decade ago!
Click
here
for the story.
5) " Magical
Mystery Limousine"
What happens to Winona's fan-mails? What becomes of her fans? Speculation
abounds!
Click
here
for the story.
6) " A
Gallery of Winona's Boyfriends"
Sharpen the darts I say, and hell takes the hindmost in this race!
Click
here
for the story.
Part 1: "Satan's Circus"
7) "Catholic
Ghetto"
The cult around "The
Rocky Horror Picture Show" brings it all home!
Click
here
for the story.
8) " I Am
the Wad"
Some folks are slick,
others "gum up" the works like a god-damned clog in the drain!
Click
here
for the story.
9)
"Operation
Wolf"
1980's Video Gaming comes
full circle and in this version, the corpses don't blink!
Click
here
for the story.
10) "Uncle Jim"
Meet the sour, stumpy gnome of the backwoods; he's certainly grubbin'
around back there somewheres!
Click
here
for the story.
11) "Big
Lots: Minimum Wage Hell"
It's the lowest circle of working hell in a close-out retail store!
Click
here
for the story.
12) "Adventures in Agitation"
Finding myself roped into the Trotsykist 4th International & the Anti-War Movement to my semi-Chagrin!
Click
here
for the story.
13) "Kooks, Creeps and Ron Paul Partisans (A Campaign with True Believers)"
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Click
here
for the story.
14) "Scuzzy-Town"
The whore known as St. Louis city is even sleazier than I am!
Details certainly to follow. . . . .
Click
here
for the story.
Part 2: "Holden Caulfield didn't bet on this. . . ." or why J.D. Salinger would have jumped into
the Mississippi with a shriek!!!!!!
"Oh, come now!"
15) " So
Come on. . . . . Jump in The Fire! (One Shot Only)"
Beavis n' Butthead revelry, Ninja arcade games, and seeking "The Ultimate
Reality"!
Click
here
for the story.
16) "6th Grade Cage"
Up from the
underground, a cry from the past, language of the mad!
Click
here
for the story.
17 )
"The Searing Eyes of Vedder"
The show-stopper on this website, the exploration of a 13 year-old's existential crisis during the ulcerating summer of '94!
Click
here
for the story.
18) "Risky
Fashion"
Hip, mid-'90s marketing takes a casualty from the impressionable,
spawning a Johnny Depp imitator who fails miserably!
Click
here
for the story.
19) "Blood
of the Martyrs"
Being reasonable, we must realize that most cases of martyrdom are quite
self-imposed and useless !
Click
here
for the story.
20) "Alfonso"
Biology
class, breathy MTV polemics, and dead bats stretched out gruesomely in
jars of formaldehyde is enough to get you thinking about freedom!
Click
here
for the story.
21) "Podunk Gravy"
Life revealed for its stripped-down, simple truths to the horror of a young romantic!
Click
here
for the story.
22) "
Dawson
City Dreams"
How do you burn down
to the gold of your soul in a society made out of jelly? Speculation right here!
Click
here
for the story.
23) " Strange
Currencies"
The poker game of the materialist illusions that make up our lives, causing us
to risk, cower, or gamble it all!
Click
here
for the story.
24) "Patriotism,
Lies, & 8 A.M. Coffee"
Tales of a young Republican "hatchet-boy" & "true
believer" recalled through the projector of nose-blowing hindsight !
Click
here
for the story.
25) "Coyote
Shithouse "
Life on the margins, life on the fringe, eating from the rotten guts of a
far-right ideology!
Click
here
for the story.
26) "Snarling
Lost Times"
A sinner "too smart for his own good" howls with
despair on the shores of hell!
Click
here
for the story.
Part 3: "Did I ever tell you about the time. . . . ."
"Shit on the dick! Let's chase down some mule-deer!"
27) "The
Kangaroo 'Get-Rich Quick' Scheme According to Bobby Hayes"
There's a BIG
DIFFERENCE between the dream and the delivery!
Click
here
for the story.
28) "The Screwball Waltz"
Wacky stories from the heartland about a crew of "Red State" oddballs you never knew existed!
Click
here
for the story.
" We Interrupt This
Program to Bring You. . . . ."
The Book my Straggly Buddy Claims Would Climb the
(Hey, Someone had to Write It!)
29 ) "Thomas
Construction"
Theology of sales,
jungle of Christmas!
Click
here
for the story.
30) "
Guard
Duty"
I'd rather be
dog-catcher!
Click
here
for the story.
31) "
Bank
Robbers"
At least "chiselin' cars"
is more honest then robbin' banks!
Click
here
for the story.
32) "Shout
at the Devil"
Don't shout
with him!
Click
here
for the story.
33) "Libertarian
Psychosis"
These people were
always kinda nuts!
Click
here
for the story.
34) "
King
of the Planets"
Just try escaping
his gravity!
Click
here
for the story.
35) "Dr.
Phil & The Crazy Seed"
"Pop
Psychology" undermined!
Click
here
for the story.
36) "Tech
School"
Why Bobby refuses to watch
"Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"!
Click
here
for the story.
37) "Pool
Hustlers"
A run-in with the
"Satan's Slaves" biker's gang goes horribly wrong!
Click
here
for the story.
38)
"The
Rattlesnake Shake"
Bobby
whirling ecstatically with a snake gripped in his teeth!
Click
here
for the story.
39 ) "Trouble
in Paradise"
Make Bobby's
Day, Clint Eastwood-style!
Click
here
for the story.
40) "The
Burial"
Bury your problems before
they bury you!
Click
here
for the story.
41) "Epilogue"
All doesn't end
well for the likes of Bobby!
Click
here
for the story.
(Postscript)
42) "Some
Problems are TOO BIG
What can Ms.
Winfrey really say to me, Paul, and Mike starin' at her show and lookin'
ornery?!
Click
here
for the story.
Part 4: "Over & Out of The Rut"
43) "The
Condition"
The state of Asperger's Syndrome, seen through the always-interesting
lens of someone who lives it!
Click
here
for the story.
44
)
"'I Just Wanted to Pet the Deer!' & Other True Life Mishaps of the Single
Man"
Bag a woman, but don't mount her
head on the wall! (-- your mother-in-law would object. . . . .)
Click
here
for the story.
45) "A Very Christmas Yve"
A better home waits than that of "The Queen of Hearts" and some
stripper's ass-crack waving in your face!
Click
here
for the story.
46) "Porky Pig vs. The Saber-Toothed Tiger"
A
truer-than-life allegory of our lovable, stuttering mascot poking fate with a
stick & the carnage that ensued!
Click
here
for the story.
47) "Chief Thunderfuck & 'Bad Medicine' (My Friend)"
The awful side effects of
post-surgery pain-killers will leave you screaming for mercy!
Click
here
for the story.
48) "Chalk
Talk"
A
rallying cry about life I'd give to my boy at the football game like a
motivational coach!
Click
here
for the story.
49 ) "Another
Friday Night-- Waiting for a Revelation "
What should a young person be doing on this fabled evening of frolic? !
Click
here
for the story.
50) "'Robin Hood'. . . . .
The Jewel Thief & What Counterculture Hath Wrought"
Why there's nothing sadder than an "aged hippie"!
Click
here
for the story.
51) "The Unspoken Divide"
Beyond grandstanding about race & diversity, some simple truths to keep in mind!
Click
here
for the story.
52 ) " Compass
of Conformity"
We all have to "toe the line" somewhat, and listen to an
internal guide that tells us "what makes sense" !
Click
here
for the story.
53 ) " Bryant's
Law: A Statement on the Principle of Restlessness & Anarchy"
Idle hands do the devil's work!
Click
here
for the story.
54) "The Philosophy of Reputation"
On your feet or on your knees, but don't let yourself get turned invisible by
the oblivion of
time!
Click
here
for the story.
55) "Cloth and Soul"
Cut of a mixed cloth, a man struggling to find his own tribe in a fabric store
called "The United States" !
Click
here
for the story.
56) " Drag
the Waters Some More-- Logical Fallacies in an Age of Confusion"
A risk-free society is a gain-free society,
stopping the course of evolution!
Click
here
for the story.
57) "Twin
Hemispheres"
Left-brained or right-brained? It's really easy to be one, but
quite another to work the other side like a bodybuilder !
Click
here
for the story.
58) "Why
'Girl, Interrupted' Was Not Helpful"
The truth must come out about
this dreadful, breathy polemic that doesn't solve anything !
Click
here
for the story.
Now, time for a very inspiring video--
"Beyond the Mat". . . . .
"Pep Talk of the Damned"!
Part 5:
Sketches
"Mad"
Magazine
Wouldn't Touch
Alfred E. Neuman's inane grin gets wiped
off his face by Missouri life!
"You elitist cocksuckers make me sick!"
59) "Lea
Thompson & The Teenage Dolphin"
Reality smacks my high school French teacher
in the face like a bottle-nosed porpoise!
Click
here
for the story.
60) "A
Stroll Amongst the Stars"
Our Lovable Vagabond roves around the rich &
famous and voices his rotten, mush-mouthed opinion!
Click
here
for the story.
61) "Michael Goes to Hollywood"
Living in the heart of the corrupt, untenable American fantasy!
Click
here
for the story.
62) "Emerald Bag O' Chips"
Tales
of Victorian poverty growing up with our old man that would do Charles Dickens
proud (-- not really!)
Click
here
for the story.
63) "'Show Me' Jefferson City"
The politics of ABSOLUTES can get kinda ridiculous through the eyes of a child !
Click
here
for the story.
64) "The Gospel According to Mr. T"
There's a force bigger out there than Mr. T, and if you say bankruptcy he'll clobber yo' ass!
Click
here
for the story.
65) "Twilight
of the Comics"
The grungy world of comics, televangelism, and "the fast buck" will make
you nauseous!
Click
here
for the story.
66) "Chinese Democracy. . . . .
The Non-Event of the Century!"
A record review of Guns N' Roses' legendary "lost album" !
Click
here
for the story.
67) " Megadeth
Plays The National Anthem"
Dave Mustaine's "juvenile, angry,
masturbatory guitar-shredding" comes to heel at an MTV-sponsored softball
game!
Click
here
for the story.
68)
"Brothers in Mischief"
Best friends,
Thor and I share a cosmic sense of the absurd!
Click
here
for the story.
69) "White Man's Catalogs"
These mailings definitely belong to a certain sector of the population, the
majority-minority of the underbelly!
Click
here
for the story.
70) "A Zany Survey of Far-Right Gun Culture"
Brought to you by Murrel Duffy, waiting for the government to repossess the property for back taxes!
Click
here
for the story.
71 ) "Modern
Art Gallery"
The author, in an attempt to be debonair, suave, and sophisticated, takes his date to
a modern show and ends up hee-hawing at the canvasses!
Click
here
for the story.
72)
"Mommy Dearest"
Our coffee
klatch kevetching corner that will make half-Lutheran sons howl!
Click
here
for the story.
73) "Call Center Blues: The Death
of a Salesman"
Telemarketing hell in the scuzziest situation you want to imagine!
Click
here
for the story.
74) "Corporate
Behemoth"
A massive piece of joke fiction about the seamy
business
world and the price of one's soul, a nod to our current economic crisis as the
fan widens and the tendrils tighten!
Click
here
for the story.
75) "Star Trek: The Flea Market
Frontier" (And Grisly Struggles Over Price, Quality & Tastefulness)
My brother gets sucked into the world of Star Trek fandom!
Click
here
for the story.
76) "Oklahoma Radio Ministry"
It's
the tale of woebegone 1930's America and a certain vinegary character whom
you might recognize from around these parts!
Click
here
for the story.
77) "The Continued Mullings of
Buford Christenson"
The mustached Paladin Press commando deserves an epic
of his own!s own!s own!
Click
here
for the story.
78) "Seven/Twenty: U-Haul
Quicksand"
Don't ever move the possessions of the mentally-ill and/or retarded !
Click
here
for the story.
79) "'Moon Cult' Gutter (Even
Stranger Currencies) "
Lost in the jungle of social isolation, washed up on the grisly steps of "The
Church of $cientology" !
Click
here
for the story.
80)
"Poking
Fun at Philosophy"
If economics is "The Dismal Science", then what praytell is philosophy?! A lighter look. . . . .
Click
here
for the story.
81) "'It Ain't Dismal to Me!'--
How Economics Adds up"
A joke primer on "the dismal science" that borrows from "my wilderness
years" drinkin' & whackin' off!
*** BONUS***BONUS*** Look for Part II, entitled "Stock Tips" about the
fundamentals of reading a balance sheet!
Click
here
for the story.
82) "Into Thin Air: For What the
World of the Media Elite is Worth"
Reflections on the media situation as it
relates to "fly-over country"!
Click
here
for the story.
83) "9/11 & The Language of
Conspiracy"
You'll find "the conspiracy theorists" personally stranger
than what actually happened on that fateful day!
Click
here
for the story.
84) "The Delmar Alternative"
**EXTRA! EXTRA!** Hold on to your hats folks, it's your hip, neglected, urban
rag mouldering in a bin!
Click
here
for the story.
85) "Blood
in the Water"
When there's "the red stuff" floating around, that's when the
sharks, social morays, and race-hustlers move in!
Click
here
for the story.
86) "Leo Felton & I"
The piece of our 21st century trans-racial patchwork that liberals & globalists
sweep under the rug while trying to celebrate Barack Obama instead, a man even
crazier than I!
Click
here
for the story.
87) "'Heathers'
Revisited"
Isn't about time this cult film, Winona's best-known, was junked and forgotten?!
Click
here
for the story.
Part 6: "The Transmission
Tower Reads You Loud & Clear-- Glide in for a Smooth Landing"
-- "Did I hit that chord right,
in the
House of the Holy ?
88) "'Delusions of
Grandeur': The Concept Album"
A very basic story about struggle and success, and wondering "if you truly
have it all"!
Click
here
for the story.
89) "Get'cher
Ass Offa God's Throne, Little Boy!"
The boy from the prologue is taught a thing or two by "The Big Guy"!
Click
here
for the story.
90) "A Traffic Incident &
Meditations on a Higher Power'"
Tales from the jungle of youthful indiscretion!
Click
here
for the story.
91) "The Divine Spark"
See what this is all about!
Click
here
for the story.
92) "More Than You Ever
Dreamed. . . . ."
Jimmy loose that "boulder of 21st century ego" & get down here!
Click
here
for the story.
We close with this Video,
"I'm Blind in Texas"--
Don't fly blind here or anywhere else!
(-- And may the Lord All-Mighty take you home!)
*******************
"Yes, Winona. . . . . you will be happy
"And hell, even if you're not interested-- it was
a lot of fun putting this damn thing together!"
©
1999 -2010 by Insufferable Industries
Drop "The Bard" a line at
michaeladams_s@yahoo.com
(Head
Over to The Bulletin Board)
(Back to main page)
inona
Ryder never starred in movies for which I had any **NATURAL** interest in as
someone the film demographers would consider "hopeless" and "irrelevant".
Scratch that. There's always "Beetlejuice", but that's me waving a racing flag
in the stands for a screwball comedy that came out 20 years ago-- like a geek in
a foam hat holding up one of those giant "NUMBER 1" foam fingers. Other than
that, Winona's movies have been a completely acquired taste-- like for certain
French cheeses that smell like something a finicky cat squatted down and pissed on. But one holds their nose and
affects
sophistication, even though in his heart of hearts he wants to unpeel slices of
American cheese and quit pretending to be the sensitive gourmet
he definitely
isn't. To me, cinema has always been about soda and popcorn-- not
champagne and brie. And let it be "Cousin Willie's Microwave Popcorn",
WITH EXTRA GREASE.
15) "So
Come on. . . . . Jump in The Fire! (One Shot Only)"
23) "Strange
Currencies"
56) "Drag
the Waters Some More-- Logical Fallacies in an Age of Confusion"
